I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Randomize
