get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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