I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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