You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
