we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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