There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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