I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
