I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
