Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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