My sheets look like a crime scene.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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