Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
