I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
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It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
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I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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