Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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