My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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