I looked at my own cervix.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
