I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
