so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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