She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
