Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
