Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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