just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
