he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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