Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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