if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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