Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
