Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
