he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
