I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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