drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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