you traded sex for a burrito?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
