Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
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If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on