I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.