Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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