she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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