The best revenge is premature balding
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
