peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
