oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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