anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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