apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
