Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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