My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We had to coat check the pizza.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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