I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
