so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
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remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
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Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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