remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
