i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
