I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
