3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
