I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
being pregnant is like rehab
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
