A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
