He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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