I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
