Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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