When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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