I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
