Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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