fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
