Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
