ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
