he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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