my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
