I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
