I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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