So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
