And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.