Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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