Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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