I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
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We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
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I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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