We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
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I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
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Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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