We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
