I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
